what day is it and did you see me today?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
