best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
