i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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