Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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