Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
