Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
