I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
