If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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