I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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