i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have feelings that need drinking.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
