I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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