Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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