I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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