wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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