I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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