Can Purell be used as lube?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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