we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
