my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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