we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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