she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Randomize
