There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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