just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
