Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
if only i could text you this smell
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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