Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
