I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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