This girl is more easily done than said...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
be right there i have to get my cape
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
