Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
