I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
