she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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