I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
