ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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