Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
