the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
