the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
