I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
