Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
