im about as happy as oj after his trial
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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