How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
