U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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