I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
