As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
