I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
