and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
