If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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