at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
