Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
