Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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