I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
where are my eyebrows?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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