i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
why is half of my head shaved?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
