Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
