Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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