If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
