I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
