well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
